This Carers Week, we are sharing what 4,293 carents told us about what it is actually like to care for an ageing parent in the UK today.
They were part of the largest survey Carents has ever run. Between January and March 2026, 4,293 adults caring for ageing parents answered questions about their experience of the caring role, what society says about it, what happens when they try to speak about it, and what it has cost them. The findings form our new report, The Hidden Toll.
Alongside that, a separate survey of 2,000 members of the general public, conducted by Opinion Matters in May 2026, reveals how the rest of society sees this stage of life and why so little is said about it.
The findings are not comfortable. But they are honest. If you are caring for an ageing parent right now, you may recognise much of what is in them.
Read the full report - The Hidden Toll
Email this report to your MP
If any of this reflects your own situation, you can add your voice to it. MPs are more likely to act when a constituent writes to them directly. The tool below takes a few moments and sends a message to your local MP.
The silence most carents keep
Most carents are not talking openly about what they are carrying. Not because they have nothing to say. Because experience has taught many of them that it is easier not to.
60% of carents in our survey downplay their caring role in social situations. 56% feel ashamed admitting that caring is hard. 62% feel guilty asking for help. 44% say being honest about how much they do feels risky.
One carent put it plainly:
"People ask how you are or how it's going but don't really want to hear how hard it ACTUALLY is or what caring for someone full time ACTUALLY entails. So it's just easier to say I'm fine."
That came up in form after form. Different words, the same truth.
The fear behind the silence is specific and consistent. Fear of being seen as weak. Fear of being defined by a role you did not choose. Fear of burdening someone else. Fear of responses you have already had or can already predict.
A significant number say they do not disclose their caring role at work. Among those in paid employment, fear of being seen as less committed or less reliable keeps many from asking for the adjustments they need. They calculate the risk of honesty and decide, repeatedly, that silence is safer.
Just what you do
The silence is not freely chosen. It is shaped by a cultural expectation so consistent that many carents have internalised it: caring for an ageing parent is just what you do. It requires no special acknowledgement, attracts no additional support, and gives the carent no legitimate claim on help.
81% of carents in our survey say their caring role is treated by society as "just what you do, not something that deserves support." 80% feel the world expects them to cope without help because they are family. 60% say people minimise their caring by saying it is "just family."
The expectation falls with particular force on women. Daughters describe being expected to care as a matter of course, with the word "daughter" operating as both an explanation and a solution.
"I downplay my role as I feel guilty because society expects me to do it regardless."
The comparison with parenthood runs through thousands of responses. 75% of carents say they receive less sympathy and recognition than new parents. 52% say caring for a parent is a taboo subject by comparison.
A separate survey of 2,000 members of the general public found that only 13% see caring for an ageing parent as one of life's biggest transitions, while 56% say the same about becoming a parent. Nearly half of the public (46%) say conversations about carenting are uncomfortable because people see it as a private family matter. 52% say these discussions feel too emotionally heavy or upsetting.
And yet: 88% of the general public say there should be more support for carents. The recognition is there. The infrastructure is not.
Just get on with it
93% of carents report having received a dismissive or unhelpful response when they spoke about their caring experience. The scale of that figure matters. So does the consistency of what they were told.
The same phrases, with minimal variation, appear hundreds of times across the open responses:
"She's your mum. It's only family."
"At least you still have them."
"Just get on with it, it's what you have to do."
"Can't you just put them in a home?"
These are not unusual responses. They are the norm.
Dismissal comes from every direction: from friends who change the subject, from siblings who do not see the sacrifices, from employers who offer sympathy but provide no actual cover or flexibility, and from health and care professionals who focus on the patient and overlook the person beside them.
"I don't tell anyone. It's impossible to explain. So I don't even try. I'm too tired to try."
Once dismissed, most carents stop trying. The silence that follows is rational. It is what happens when speaking costs something and returns nothing.
Always on
96% of carents say they are always on alert, even when they are not physically with the person they care for.
This is not a figure about individual anxiety. It is a description of what the role requires: constant monitoring of someone who may fall, become confused, take the wrong medication, or have a health crisis at any moment. It does not switch off at the end of a working day, or when going out with friends, or when trying to sleep.
"Never off my mind. Always waiting for a response from the alarm system, a lot of the time on edge. It disempowers me. Load of tension on my back and neck. Can never really relax. I doubt I can cope with any further issues, and there are always more issues."
The system compounds the problem. 89% say the support available only reacts when things have already broken down. Carents describe being passed from service to service, told they do not yet meet the threshold for help, or assessed and then left with nothing that addresses the reality of what they are managing.
"When telling social services we were beyond crisis point, I was told there are others more urgent than you, with no recognition of my situation."
The system's willingness to wait is not neutral. It creates the crisis it then responds to.
What needs to change
Carents is calling on government, employers, and health services to take six specific steps.
Name carenthood as a distinct life stage. Policy, employers, and health services should treat caring for an ageing parent as a defined life stage, with equivalent entitlement to recognition and support as early parenthood.
Change the cultural story. The "just what you do" expectation will not be dismantled by policy alone. It requires an honest public conversation that names the cost, removes the stigma from struggling, and extends to adult caring the social permission to ask for help.
Fund research into carenthood. Systematic, ongoing measurement of the hidden toll is essential to making the case for change and holding institutions to account.
Extend workplace protections. The Carer's Leave Act 2023 was a beginning, not a solution. 73% of employed carents say workplaces support new parents more than people caring for ageing parents. Genuine flexibility and removal of the professional risk around disclosure are required.
Stop waiting for crisis. 89% say the system only responds when things have broken down. Proactive assessment, early intervention, consistent support from the start of a caring journey, and a named single point of contact for every carent are all achievable and overdue.
Recognise and address the mental toll. Mental health support for carents must go beyond crisis intervention. The identity loss documented in this report is a public health issue. Support that acknowledges the psychological reality of carenting, not just its practical demands, must become standard.
If you are caring for an ageing parent right now and you recognise any of this, you are not alone. 4,293 people in our survey confirmed the same pattern. Your experience is real, it is shared, and it deserves to be named.
