Caring for an elderly loved one brings many changes, some of which can lead to profound feelings of loss even without a typical bereavement. Recognising and addressing these emotions is essential for your well-being as a carent.
Margaret’s Story: A Case Study
Meet Margaret
Margaret is navigating a complex and challenging phase of her life as a carent. Here’s her story:
Margaret’s Situation:
Margaret is caring for her Dad who has recently moved into her home following the death of her mother earlier this year. Margaret’s Dad has multiple health problems that affect his cognitive abilities and mobility and as a result he is required to attend 2-3 medical appointments each week. Margaret is still coming to terms with the loss of her Mum who she was very close to and cared for for almost 2 years prior to her passing.
Margaret works as an HR Manager in a local business and has a very understanding boss who supported Margaret’s decision to drop to part time hours on a temporary basis while she adjusts to her new circumstances. Despite this, Margaret has been questioning whether she can/should continue with her job as she is struggling to juggle everything.
Margaret is married with two teenage sons, the eldest of which is in his final year of school and considering his future University and career choices. Margaret wants to support her son and travel with him to open days but has been unable to do so due to her care commitments. This is causing some friction with her husband and increased cxonflict in the home.
With everything going on, Margaret is not sleeping very well and feeling low. She has always enjoyed exercise but when her Mum was declining in health, Margaret gave up her health club membership and stopped her bi-weekly yoga class.
Feelings of Loss
Margaret’s story illustrates how caring for a loved one can lead to multiple layers of loss such as:
- Loss of Routine and Control: Her daily life has become unpredictable.
- Loss of Professional Identity: She’s uncertain about continuing her career.
- Loss of Personal Time and Hobbies: She’s stopped activities that once brought her joy.
- Loss in Family Dynamics: Strained relationships with her husband and sons.
- Grieving Her Mother: Processing the death of her mum while caring for her dad.
Insights from Our Workshop
We recently held a “Courage to Carent” workshop focused on understanding and navigating these complex emotions. Here’s a summary of what we explored:
Connecting Through Shared Experiences
Participants engaged in breakout sessions, using Margaret’s case study as an icebreaker. The discussions revealed that many could relate deeply to her situation:
- Common Sentiments:
- “All of us are bits of Margaret and more.”
- “It was profound for me listening to the video—it was the first time someone has listed all the things we have lost.”
- “I didn’t realise other people felt the same way.”
- “Thank you. I’ve been longing for connection to people in the same situation.”
- “I feel exactly the same. It’s so good to know there are others and we are not alone in this.”
Understanding the Spiral of Thoughts
Our facilitator, Jacqueline, introduced some key research and concepts:
- Self-Determination Theory: Emphasises the importance of competence, control, and connection in our lives.
- Negative Thought Patterns: How “tacky thoughts” can stick and lead to unhelpful spirals affecting behaviour and self-perception.
Jacqueline explained how our thoughts can cause vicious circles making them become increasingly tacky or sticky :
- Thought: Initial perceptions about a situation.
- Action: Behaviours resulting from those thoughts.
- Consequence: Outcomes that reinforce the initial thought.
- Knowledge: Information we carry forward.
- Yourself – how this changes views of yourself
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Strategies for Moving Forward
We learnt how feelings of loss can build silently unless we take action and Jacqueline shared practical strategies to help carents manage these feelings:
- Regular Self-Check-ins:
- Attach this habit to daily routines, like brushing your teeth.
- Morning Check-in: Anticipate the day’s challenges and what you might need.
- Evening Reflection: Acknowledge positives from the day.
- Recognise Feelings as Grief:
- Understanding that loss isn’t just about bereavement but can be about changes in life roles and routines.
- Counterbalance Negativity:
- Purposefully seek out positive experiences and thoughts.
- Acknowledge what you have gained, not just what you’ve lost.
- Cultivate Curiosity:
- Explore what you’re learning about yourself during this transition.
- Consider who might benefit from your experiences.
- Role Modelling:
- Recognise the influence your actions have on others, especially your children.
- Demonstrate compassionate caregiving as a valuable life lesson.
- Separate Past from Present:
- Avoid attributing your parent’s current negative behaviours to who they were before.
- Understand that illness can change behaviours, and it’s not a reflection of their true selves.
Key Takeaways
- You’re Not Alone: Connecting with others in similar situations can provide comfort and reduce feelings of isolation.
- Mindfulness Matters: Regularly checking in with yourself helps you stay aware of your emotional state and needs.
- Positive Focus: Intentionally seeking positives can counterbalance the natural negative bias our brains have.
- Self-Care is Essential: Re-engaging in activities you enjoy can improve your well-being and resilience.
- Communication Helps: Sharing your experiences and feelings with family can alleviate tension and build understanding.
Moving Forward
Caring for a loved one is a significant undertaking that can affect various aspects of your life. Recognising feelings of loss and implementing strategies to manage them is crucial for your well-being.
Remember: Small, intentional steps can lead to meaningful changes. Whether it’s a quick self-check-in or reaching out to someone who understands, every action counts.
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