Caring for elderly parents often brings a wave of complex emotions. Stress, sadness, worry and sometimes guilt.
Yet, among these challenges, there is growing evidence that small shifts in how we think and act can help us find more positive and meaningful moments. This article explores practical techniques rooted in coaching and neuroscience to help you feel more in control and even experience joy when you least expect it.
Understanding the Brain’s Two ‘Voices’: Saboteur and Sage
Our brains are built to protect us. But in doing so, they often keep us on high alert. The part of the brain responsible for this is known as the ‘saboteur’. It is linked to our primitive brain and is always scanning for danger. While this was useful in ancient times, it means we can end up stuck in worry or overwhelm, even when we are safe. The saboteur brain motivates us through negative emotions and becomes our default mode — the habit brain.
In contrast, the ‘sage’ part of the brain is more mature and supports empathy, problem-solving, and positivity. It enables clearer thinking and helps us focus on what really matters. However, activating this part of our brain takes effort. We need to practise consciously to shift from saboteur to sage.
Why Habits Matter: How the Brain Builds Pathways
Our brains use a significant amount of our body’s energy and take shortcuts to reduce the workload. This includes relying on habitual thought and behaviour patterns. Once a habit is in place, it becomes the default. But the good news is this. Our brains are adaptable. We can learn new habits and responses, even later in life, through consistent practice.
Think of a meadow with tall grass. Walk the same path each day and it becomes easier. Do something new and it feels hard at first. But keep going and a new path forms. That is how the brain works. The more we practise, the easier it becomes.
Five Practical Tools to Shift Your Mindset
These five tools, drawn from Positive Intelligence and coaching practices, can help you move from saboteur to sage.
-
Gratitude (and the DATE Reflection)
Gratitude is one of the most effective ways to activate the sage brain. At the start or end of each day, think of two or three things you are thankful for. They can be small. A kind word. A sunny morning. A moment of peace. Gratitude gently redirects your mind towards what is going well.
You can also use the DATE reflection, from Caroline Webb’s book How to Have a Good Day:
- Discovery: What did I learn today?
- Achievement: What did I get done?
- Thankfulness: What am I grateful for?
- Experience: What moment did I enjoy?
-
Setting Intentions
Before a meeting, a call or a difficult day, take a moment to set an intention. For example, “I want to respond with patience” or “I want to listen fully.” It gives your brain a focus and helps you feel more in control of how you show up.
-
PQ Reps (Positive Intelligence Repetitions)
PQ Reps are mindfulness techniques that help shift your attention to the present. A simple one is gently rubbing your thumb and forefinger together and focusing fully on the sensation. Feel the ridges of your skin. Notice the pressure. Ignore passing thoughts. Just stay in the moment. These short exercises help you move away from anxious thinking and back into your body.
-
The Sage Perspective: Reframing Difficult Experiences
The sage perspective is the ability to find positives in challenging situations. It is not about ignoring the difficulty but noticing what good might come from it — even if it takes time. For example, a health scare might lead someone to prioritise wellbeing or strengthen a relationship.
The well-known story of the farmer and his horse reminds us: we often cannot tell in the moment whether something is good or bad. With time, what feels like a setback may open the door to something meaningful.
-
Navigate: The Sage Power of Perspective
Another powerful tool is called ‘navigate’. It helps us take a step back and consider what really matters.
Start with a PQ Rep to quiet your mind. Then imagine your wiser, elder self. Visualise what you look like. What you are doing. How you live. Now imagine your future self guiding you through a gallery of your life, stopping at an image marked 2025. Who is in it? What objects are there? What is missing? This visualisation helps you reflect on what you might remember about this time — and what may turn out not to matter.
Everyday Practices for Real Life
These small, calming techniques can be used throughout your day:
- During tea or coffee: Notice the sound as you pour the kettle. Hold the mug in your hands. Feel its warmth. Take a slow sip. Taste it fully.
- While walking: Pay attention to the way your feet feel as they move. Or the way your body sways slightly with each step.
- During meals: Look at the colours of your food. Smell it. Taste every bite with intention.
- With any routine: Tie your new habit to something regular like brushing your teeth or putting the kettle on.
Final Thought: Choose Where You Focus
Our minds are like gardens. We can choose to grow flowers or weeds. You may not be able to control everything that happens. But you can influence how you respond. With practice, you can create new patterns, find moments of calm and build emotional strength.
These tools are gentle, realistic, and designed for everyday life. They help shift the balance from just surviving to truly living.
Watch our session with Sophie Carvin
Further Resources
Positive Intelligence – Learn more about saboteurs, sage powers and PQ Reps. Includes a free saboteur assessment.
How to Have a Good Day by Caroline Webb – A science-based book full of practical mindset tools.
To go deeper:
You can download a free eBook on building habits from Mid Life Thriving or contact Sophie Carvin for coaching and conversation:
Website: www.deror.co.uk | www.mymidlifethriving.com
LinkedIn: Sophie Carvin
Email: sophie.carvin@deror.co.uk