How to Find Positivity in Difficult Times: A Science-Backed Guide for Carents

Reviewed by: Dr Jackie Gray, Public Health Expert and Retired GP
(Carents Trusted Reviewer Programme – Last reviewed January 2026)

The emotional impact of caring for elderly parents is often heavier than people expect. Many carers feel grief long before a parent dies, grief for the person their parent used to be, for the relationship that has changed, and for the future they imagined. Alongside this can sit anger, guilt, and shame for feeling anything other than patience.

These emotions are normal, but they are rarely talked about openly. Carers often feel pressure to be grateful, resilient, or endlessly compassionate. That pressure can make people feel isolated or broken when they struggle. Understanding that these reactions are part of the emotional load of carenting can reduce self-blame. You are not failing because you feel overwhelmed. You are responding to a deeply demanding situation.

Our brains are built to keep us safe. When you are caring for an ageing parent, that system often runs on overdrive. It constantly scans for danger, future risks, and things that could go wrong. Coaches often use the term “saboteur” to describe the part of the brain behind this activity. The saboteur stems from our primitive survival system and motivates through fear, pressure, and self-criticism. 

While this once kept humans safe, it can leave carers stuck in worry, guilt, and overwhelm, even when there is no immediate threat. The saboteur brain motivates us through negative emotions and becomes our default mode - the habit brain.

There is also a calmer, wiser part of the brain which coaches sometimes call the sage. This part supports empathy, clearer thinking, and problem-solving. It helps you respond rather than react and focus on what truly matters. The challenge is that when you are tired or stressed, the sage is harder to access. Shifting out of saboteur mode takes conscious effort and practice, especially during intense periods of caregiving.

Your brain uses habits to save energy. When a thought or reaction repeats often enough, it becomes automatic. This is useful, but it also means worry and overwhelm can become your default.

The good news is that the brain can change, even later in life. New habits form through repetition, not willpower.

Think of walking through tall grass. The first time is hard. Walk the same route again and it gets easier. The brain works the same way. Small, repeated practices create new mental pathways over time.

These tools are simple enough to use even when you are tired, short on time, or emotionally worn down. They can help you break habitual saboteur thinking and activate your sage brain powers.

1. Gratitude When Caring for Elderly Parents (Including the DATE Exercise)

Gratitude can feel unrealistic when life is heavy. This is not about pretending things are fine. It is about briefly noticing what is not awful.

Once a day, name two or three small things:

• A calm moment

• A kind word

• A cup of tea you actually enjoyed

You can also try the DATE reflection:

• Discovery: What did I learn today?

• Achievement: What did I manage to do?

• Thankfulness: What am I grateful for?

• Experience: What moment felt okay, even briefly?

2. Setting Intentions When Days Feel Out of Control

Before a call, appointment, or long day, pause and choose one intention. For example:

• I want to stay calm.

• I want to listen without fixing.

• I want to be kinder to myself.

This gives your brain a focus when everything else feels chaotic.

3. Short Grounding Exercises to Break Anxiety Spirals

Short grounding exercises can help when your thoughts are racing.

One example:

• Gently rub your thumb and forefinger together.

• Focus on the texture and pressure.

• Keep bringing your attention back when your mind wanders.

These moments help your body feel safer, which makes calmer thinking more possible.

4. Reframing Guilt and Stress When Caring for Your Parents

Reframing does not mean pretending things are good. It means asking whether something painful might still lead to growth, connection, or clarity later on.

A health scare might change priorities. A difficult conversation might set boundaries that were overdue. You may not see the meaning now, and that is okay.

5. Stepping Back When Carer Stress Takes Over

When stress peaks, try this:

• Pause with a grounding exercise.

• Picture your older, wiser self.

• Imagine looking back at this period of your life.

Ask yourself what will matter most in hindsight. This can soften urgency and reduce self-blame.

Guilt is one of the most common emotions carers experience. Guilt for not doing enough. Guilt for doing too much. Guilt for wanting time to yourself. Coping with guilt when caring for elderly parents starts with recognising that no version of perfect care exists.

Guilt often comes from impossible standards or from trying to meet everyone’s needs at once. One helpful practice is asking, “What is realistic today?” rather than “What should I be doing?” Writing down what you actually did, not what you wish you had done, can also help your brain see effort more clearly. Guilt may not disappear, but it can become quieter and less controlling.

You can practise awareness during ordinary moments:

• While making tea, notice warmth and sound.

• While walking, feel your feet on the ground.

• During meals, slow down the first few bites.

Tie these moments to routines you already have.

Finding joy while caring for elderly parents does not mean enjoying the situation itself. It often means noticing brief, ordinary moments that still exist alongside the strain. A shared laugh. A peaceful drive home. A moment when things feel manageable.

Joy in carenting is usually quiet and fleeting. It does not cancel out grief or exhaustion. But allowing yourself to notice these moments can help balance the emotional weight. Joy does not mean you are minimising the difficulty. It means you are giving yourself permission to feel human, even in the middle of something hard.

You cannot control everything about caring for an ageing parent. But you can influence how you respond, one small moment at a time.

These tools are not about fixing your feelings. They are about helping you cope on days when coping feels like enough.

Positive Intelligence – Learn more about saboteurs, sage powers and PQ Reps. Includes a free saboteur assessment.

How to Have a Good Day by Caroline Webb – A science-based book full of practical mindset tools.

To go deeper:

You can download a free eBook on building habits from Mid Life Thriving or contact Sophie Carvin for coaching and conversation:

Website: www.deror.co.uk | www.mymidlifethriving.com

LinkedIn: Sophie Carvin

Email: sophie.carvin@deror.co.uk

Reviewed by Dr Jackie Gray, January 2026