Understanding Why Carents Feel Lonely and How to Break the Cycle

Reviewed by: Dr Jackie Gray, Public Health Expert and Retired GP
(Carents Trusted Reviewer Programme – Last reviewed January 2026)

Many carents talked about guilt as a constant background noise. Guilt for feeling tired. Guilt for snapping. Guilt for wanting time alone. Guilt for not doing enough, even when doing everything. This kind of carer guilt slowly feeds loneliness because it makes people hide how they feel. Instead of reaching out, carers pull back. They do not want to be seen as struggling or ungrateful, so they say nothing and carry on.

But guilt often comes from impossible expectations, not failure. Most carers are doing the work of several people while holding down jobs, running households and carrying emotional responsibility for their parent. Naming guilt out loud is often the first step in reducing it. When guilt loosens its grip, loneliness has less room to grow.

During a recent workshop, Jacqueline Weeks introduced a group of carents to the idea of mirror neurons, the part of the brain that copies other people’s feelings. When we see someone sad or withdrawn, our brain acts as if we are feeling the same thing. It helps us understand people, but it can also drain us when we are already stretched thin.

Knowing this can make a difference. Sometimes the heavy feeling in the room is not yours alone. It might be something you have picked up from the person you care for. When you notice this, you can put a bit of space between their emotions and your own. You are not cutting yourself off. You are simply giving yourself breathing room so you can respond more calmly.

By the end of the recent workshop, a group of carents created a list of things that genuinely help them with feelings of loneliness. These are not grand plans. They are small, realistic actions that fit into messy, overloaded lives.

• Start small. Even a few minutes of something you enjoy can shift your mood.

• Find ways to laugh. Old TV shows or silly videos work surprisingly well.

• Keep moving. A short stretch or walk can clear your head.

• Try a mindfulness app. A two-minute guided pause can help reset your day.

• Do something that feels worthwhile to you, even if it is tiny. Join a group, revisit a forgotten interest or support a cause you care about.

• Use simple tech. A device like Alexa can offer music, reminders or company.

• Reconnect with past interests. If you cannot take part fully, watch, read or listen instead.

• Keep your brain busy. Puzzles and games like Sudoku help break mental loops.

• Share memories. Printed photos or old stories often spark warm connection.

• Stay in touch. A five-minute video call counts. Small contact helps.

These ideas are not cures. They are small ways to interrupt the heavy feeling that can build up over time.

Caring for an older parent affects your mental health in ways that can creep up on you. The role changes slowly. One day you are helping with small things. The next day you are coordinating appointments, sorting bills and managing moods. This shift can feel like losing the relationship you once had, and that loss often shows up as loneliness.

Many carers also described the mental strain of switching between being “the adult child” and “the practical organiser”. You might go from soothing a parent’s sadness to leading a work meeting within an hour. That emotional whiplash is exhausting. Acknowledging the mental load does not make you weak. It makes the situation honest. With honesty comes a bit more space to look after yourself alongside your parent.

Coping with loneliness while caring for a parent often requires a mix of practical steps and emotional honesty. One useful approach is to name what kind of loneliness you are feeling. Is it lack of adult conversation? Missing old routines? Feeling invisible? Each type needs a different response.

It also helps to build tiny moments of outside connection. This does not have to be socialising in a big way. It could be a five-minute chat with someone at work or a quick message to a friend. Even brief, genuine contact reminds you that you exist outside the caring role.

Many carers said the hardest part was admitting they were lonely in the first place. But once they named it, they found more room to make changes that supported their wellbeing.

One of the most important lessons was about emotional boundaries. When you care deeply for someone who is lonely, low or frustrated, it is natural to absorb their feelings. But if you take on those emotions every day, it can chip away at your own wellbeing.

Emotional boundaries are not walls. They are small pieces of awareness. You notice what feeling is yours and what feeling belongs to the other person. You stay present and kind, but you do not carry everything home in your chest.

Approaching conversations with a calm, steady tone helps both of you. You are not forcing positivity or pretending nothing is wrong. You are simply keeping your footing while supporting someone who leans heavily on you.

Loneliness is common among carents. It is not a sign of weakness, and it is not something you have to handle alone. Understanding why loneliness hits so hard and making small, steady changes can ease the weight. Taking time for yourself is not selfish. It is necessary, and it often makes caring easier for both of you.

Reviewed by Dr Jackie Gray, January 2026