Understanding Fear When Caring for an Elderly Parent

Fear is a natural warning signal. It helps us notice danger so we can respond. But when you are caring for a parent, fear often shows up even when nothing urgent is happening. It can grow from imagined worst-case scenarios, past crises or the simple truth that caring is unpredictable.

A recent Carents Lounge poll highlighted two big fears many of us share.

• Burnout, the worry that the constant physical and emotional work will eventually flatten you.

• Not knowing how long this will last, which makes planning for your own life feel impossible.

These fears come from the same instinct that keeps us safe, even when the threat is not immediate.

Fear happens fast and without your permission. Your body reacts before your brain has time to calm everything down. This is why you can think, “I know this is not happening right now”, yet still feel your heart pounding or your stomach tightening.

Even imagined fears, like worrying about future burnout, make your body respond as if the danger is real. This is why fear can feel overwhelming and hard to switch off.

Fear can help you notice risks so you can make good decisions. But when fear gets loud all the time, it drains your energy. Constant stress, racing thoughts or avoidance can follow. Over time this can turn into anxiety or emotional exhaustion.

1. Mindfulness and grounding

Fear often shows up in your body first: fast heartbeat, shallow breathing, knots in your stomach. Mindful breathing can interrupt this cycle.

Try this simple breathing exercise.

• Breathe in and notice the cool air entering your nose.

• Breathe out slowly and notice the warmth leaving your body.

• Repeat a few times, staying with the rhythm of your breath.

Another grounding tool is the 5-4-3-2-1 method. Look for:

• 5 things you can see

• 4 things you can touch

• 3 things you can hear

• 2 things you can smell

• 1 thing you can taste

These steps pull you back into the present moment, which helps your body settle.

2. Learning to live with fear instead of fighting it

Trying to eliminate fear often makes it louder. Accepting that fear is normal, especially in caring, can ease some pressure.

Instead of imagining the absolute worst “red light” scenario, picture a more realistic “amber light” version. For example, instead of imagining complete burnout, picture early signs like snapping at people or forgetting simple things. This gives you clearer warning signals and practical steps you can take to ease pressure before things get too difficult.

We explored risk-management in our workshop, where carents shared what has helped them stay steady. Taking small, proactive actions helps you feel more in control.

In our Courage to Carent workshop with Jacqueline Weeks, we explored the top fear themes from our community. We then worked in small groups to talk honestly about what scares us and what helps.

Key takeaways

• Fear affects your whole body. When you feel threatened, even by a thought, your body tenses and clear thinking becomes harder.

• Mindfulness helps slow things down. Breathing practices can bring you back into the moment and soften the physical symptoms of fear.

Practical breathing exercise

• Notice your breath.

• Pay attention to the temperature of the air as you breathe in and out.

• Try breathing in for four counts and out for eight.

• Breathe into the spot where the tension is strongest.

Slowing your breath activates the part of your body that helps you calm down. It is a simple reset you can use whenever your thoughts start to spiral.

Participants shared what helped them during the workshop.

• “The group session felt like such a release, really therapeutic.”

• “The reminder to set up Power of Attorney was useful.”

• “Looking into Admiral Nurses for more support.”

• “I freeze when things get stressful, so action planning helps.”

• “Self care like walking, yoga and meditation apps makes a difference.”

Suggestions from the group

• Contact Citizens Advice Bureau for carer support and emergency planning.

• Look into grants and carer cards through local councils.

• Consider care agencies like Home Instead or Carefound.

• Explore services from Age UK, including companionship and home help.

Many carers carry a quiet, constant anxiety about what the next year will look like. Fears about decline, emergencies or difficult decisions can sit in the background even on good days. This type of anxiety is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you care deeply and carry a lot of responsibility.What helps is breaking the “unknown future” into smaller pieces. Focus on what you know today, not everything that might happen at once. Simple steps like checking medication supplies, booking routine appointments or reviewing emergency contacts can cut through the feeling of helplessness. It also helps to name your fears out loud with someone who understands. When anxiety is shared, it often shrinks to something more manageable. You do not have to plan the next ten years. You only need the next right step.

Fear of burnout, or recognising when you’re becoming burnt out: if these feelings ring true for you, it’s important to take them seriously and make small changes before you reach a breaking point. Just as Jacqueline explains when talking about fear, burnout doesn’t usually arrive dramatically, it builds quietly over time and can leave you feeling overwhelmed long before you realise what’s happening. 

Burnout is more than just being tired. It emerges when demands consistently outweigh the resources you have to cope: emotionally, mentally, and physically, leaving you exhausted, disconnected, and stuck in a cycle of stress. Early on, it can show up as irritability, forgetfulness, sleep problems, or emotional numbness. These subtle changes matter because they’re often the first signs that your balance is off.

There will be moments when caring feels too heavy, too complicated or simply too much for one person. Feeling overwhelmed does not mean you are doing anything wrong, it means the situation is bigger than your current capacity. When everything feels tangled, start with the smallest task you can complete. This might be drinking a glass of water, stepping outside for two minutes or writing down one problem instead of juggling ten in your head.
It also helps to share responsibility where you can. This might be asking a sibling to do one practical task, speaking to a GP about support or exploring respite options. Even tiny changes can reduce the pressure. Overwhelm thrives in silence, so talking about it is often the first crack in its armour. You deserve support just as much as the person you care for.

Reviewed by Dr Jackie Gray, December 2025