What to Do When Siblings Won’t Help Care for Elderly Parents

In many families, the caring quietly lands on one person. Not because they have more time, or because their job matters less, but because someone has to step in when a parent needs help.

Often, the story becomes:

“You live closer.”

“You’re better at this sort of thing.”

“You don’t work as much.”

“Your job is more flexible.”

But what that usually means is: your life gets rearranged first.

You may still be working. You may still be raising children. You may still be juggling deadlines, finances and your own health. None of that disappears just because you’re the one answering the phone, going to appointments, or dealing with emergencies.

You might be:

• managing medication, appointments and care arrangements
  
  

• fielding calls and messages from your parent and your siblings
  
  

• trying to work, parent, and function on very little rest
  
  

• holding everything together while others comment from a distance
  
  

And over time, a quiet assumption can form that you’ll just keep doing it.

That’s what makes it feel so unfair. Not just the workload, but the idea that your time, career, or wellbeing is somehow more expendable than everyone else’s.

If this is you, you’re not imagining it. And you’re not wrong to feel frustrated.

One of the strongest pieces of advice from our community is simple:

“If they don’t want to help, let them.”

You can ask, explain and stay calm. But if someone has repeatedly shown they won’t turn up, trying to push them won’t change much. It will just drain you.

Focus on what you can control: how you look after your parent, how you look after yourself, and where you spend your already limited energy.

If a sibling might help but never quite knows what to do, clarity can make a difference.

Instead of

“I’m drowning here. I need you to do more.”

Try:

“Mum needs picking up from her GP appointment next Thursday at 11am. Can you do it?”

Or:

“Could you call Dad on Sunday evenings? He’s lonely and it would help both of us.”

People are more likely to help with tasks that have a clear start and end time. If they still say no, at least you know where you stand and can plan around it.

Help doesn’t have to come from family. You can put together a support network that actually works.

Your team might include:

• you, doing what you can manage

• siblings who can take even one reliable task

• professional carers, cleaners or meal services

• technology like care apps or medication reminders

• neighbours, friends or carers’ groups

Asking for outside help is not a failure. It’s a practical step when the load is too heavy for one person.

Some siblings live far away. Some have demanding jobs or health issues. Some simply choose not to be involved. Fairness doesn’t always mean equal effort, but it does mean everyone should contribute something if they can.

Useful contributions include:

• paying for occasional respite care

• handling paperwork or bills

• researching care options

• checking in on you, the main carer
  
  

If they choose to do nothing, that is their decision. You don’t have to carry their guilt or excuses.

Burnout becomes very real when you’re caring for a parent and dealing with unhelpful siblings at the same time. Protecting your emotional energy matters.

Try:

• limiting conversations that always leave you stressed

• stopping the endless explanations to people who aren’t listening

• setting clear boundaries, firmly if needed

• taking small breaks whenever you can
  leaning on people who genuinely want to help
  
  

If you’re grieving the relationship you wish you had with your sibling, that pain is real. You don’t have to pretend otherwise.

A fall or hospital admission can force rushed decisions. Planning early gives you more control.

If your siblings will join in, sit down and look at:

• what’s working now

• what isn’t

• who can reliably do what

• what support or funding exists

• what happens if you can’t keep doing this
  
  

If they won’t take part, plan anyway. Talk with your parent. Speak to their GP or a social worker. Explore future care options before you’re in crisis.

Download our free eBook: Planning for Emergencies

In many families, one sibling ends up doing almost the entire load, while others dip in occasionally or stay out of it completely. If you’re that sibling, you might wonder whether you’re being taken advantage of or simply the only one willing to step up. Either way, the weight sits on your shoulders. This is where practical steps can help more than arguments.

Start by writing down the main areas of care:

• Medication, 

• Meals, 

• Appointments, 

• Finances

• Personal care

• Home maintenance, 

• Emotional support

Seeing it on paper often highlights just how much you’re doing. 

From there, decide what you can keep managing and what needs sharing or outsourcing. It’s not about making everything equal, because it rarely will be. It’s about reducing the load before you hit breaking point. 

Professionals, paid services and simple routines can take pressure off when siblings won’t.

Carents Tip: “at the end of all this you need to still be there for each other, my brother and I seem to have fallen into our own routine, I seem to take care of care issues and he seems to take care of shopping and finance things ,but we discuss everything and keep each other informed.”

This is something many carents talk about quietly, but it’s a big deal.

A sibling who isn’t involved day to day turns up for a short visit. Your parent is on their best behaviour. They’re brighter, calmer, more capable than usual. The house looks fine. Nothing dramatic happens.

Then the comments start.

“Dad seems okay to me.”

“Are you sure Mum needs all this help?”

“I don’t think I’d do it that way.”

“Maybe you’re worrying too much.”

What they don’t see is the full picture. They don’t see the repetition, the confusion, the falls that almost happened, the medication reminders, the emotional labour, or the nights you lie awake listening out for problems. They’re seeing a performance, not the reality.

That lack of recognition can hurt. It can feel like your effort is being judged by someone who only shows up for the highlights. Worse still, it can make you doubt yourself, even when you know you’re the one living it every day.

If this is happening to you, remind yourself of this: short visits do not equal lived experience. Someone who drops in occasionally cannot understand what constant responsibility feels like, no matter how confident their opinions sound.

You’re not overreacting. You’re responding to what you see and manage daily. And you don’t have to justify every decision to someone who isn’t carrying the load.

If needed, it’s okay to say:

“This is what works day to day. You’re seeing a good moment, not the whole picture.”

That boundary isn’t unkind. It’s protective.

Sometimes a sibling steps back entirely or becomes confrontational. They may criticise without helping. They may interfere in ways that cause more problems.

If that happens, remember:

• their behaviour is not your responsibility

• you can set boundaries that protect your wellbeing

• you can speak to a solicitor or social worker if money or decisions are getting messy

• you don’t have to forget, but you can choose peace

Some siblings won’t help but still want to criticise every decision you make. They may argue about money, timing, appointments or care choices, even though they aren’t involved in the day-to-day work. This dynamic is draining and often feels disrespectful. You’re tired and doing your best, and constant criticism only piles on more stress.

Try putting boundaries around discussions. Keep conversations short and focused:

“If you’d like to discuss this, let’s talk for ten minutes and look at practical options.”

If they argue without offering solutions, you can say,

“I’m open to suggestions, but I need actual help, not commentary.”

If they still won’t engage constructively, move on. You don’t owe anyone long explanations. Decisions fall to the person doing the care, and at the moment, that’s you.

Carents Tip: Try to ignore the negatives and embrace the positives or you'll get stressed trying to get them to help.

Carents.co.uk is here with clear guidance and a community that understands the emotional and practical load of caring for ageing parents.

• Join the Carents Lounge to talk with others facing the same challenges.

• Explore our planning guides 

• Read our guides on dealing with emotions as a carent