Phase 3: Running Two LivesYou are doing far more than you realised you would be.
Some people arrive here after a clear crisis: a fall that led to a hospital stay, a diagnosis that changed the landscape, a call from a neighbour, or the death of their partner. Others find themselves here gradually, without a single moment they could point to. Either way, you are now actively carenting.
Skip to resources for this phaseYou are probably doing more practical things than you would have predicted.
The shopping.
The appointments.
Picking up prescriptions.
Sorting something with the bank.
Calling the GP on their behalf.
Going over at the weekend because the house needs attention, or taking them out and about.
Managing the garden because they can no longer manage it themselves.
You are starting to feel like you are running at least two lives.
This is Phase 3 of the Carenting Journey. It can last years. And the list of things you are dealing with tends to grow rather than shrink.
What this stage looks like
Your parent may be experiencing some combination of the following. You do not need to recognise all of them, but some will probably be familiar.
Physically
- Getting about without a stick, frame or an arm to lean on is becoming more difficult. Breathlessness, balance, fatigue, stiffness, lack of confidence or fear can all make getting out and about harder than it once was. Falls may have happened, or the fear of falling may be changing how they move.
- Driving, parking, getting the bus, calling a taxi may be getting a little trickier.
- Seasonal change in weather seems harder than it used to be. Heatwaves and cold spells carry more risk than they once did.
- Less stamina, less resilience and less bandwidth for dealing with the unexpected. Minor illness, a difficult week or an unplanned change can have a bigger impact than it once would have.
Practically
- Medications can be hard to manage. Getting prescriptions collected, remembering what they need to take and when, understanding what has changed following a hospital visit.
- Appointments are more frequent, and getting to them is not always straightforward.
- Tasks like heavy housework, gardening and weekly shopping are becoming difficult.
- Digital systems, including online banking, NHS apps and anything that requires a password or a smartphone, can be a barrier.
- Scams can be a real risk for people who are isolated, digitally uncertain or cognitively changing.
- “What if?” is always in the back of your mind. You might be worrying about cold callers, or what might have happened if they haven’t picked up the phone or replied to a message.
Health concerns that can become more relevant at this stage
- Long-term conditions can become more disabling, more severe and have more complications
- Frailty
- Medication side effects
- Accidents and injuries carry more risk at this stage. A fall, burn or laceration that might have more significant consequences than when they were younger
- Tackling sight and/or hearing loss is a priority
When memory might be part of the picture
Forgetting the details of a recent event, repeating questions or stories, and gradually withdrawing from social contact can all be signs of early dementia. These do not have to be present for Phase 3 to apply, but many carents at this stage are navigating some or all of this alongside everything else.
Personality changes in dementia can appear at any stage. For some people, they show up long before a formal diagnosis.
You may notice:
What is happening for you
Alongside the practical weight, there is an emotional shift that can be hard to articulate.
You may feel permanently on call, without having signed up for it.
The things you are responsible for have multiplied without a clear moment of agreement. The people around you may not see it, because nothing about your life looks dramatically different from the outside. You may also be starting to think about future conversations and decisions that feel too large to begin: paying for care, what happens if things get worse, whether your parent is safe where they are.
As the months or years pass, many carents in Phase 3 may be starting to feel overwhelmed, stressed and to find it harder to manage the growing demands of running two household responsibilities. The difficulty with this phase is that it can go on for a long time before anyone, including you, feels able to acknowledge the cost.
What tends to help at this stage
Practical adjustments that make daily life easier
Many carents in Phase 3 are supporting parents who are still out and about: at the supermarket, the garden centre, the GP surgery. What helps at this stage is often a set of practical adjustments that reduce the friction of daily life, rather than a formal care package.
Early on, this can include switching to online shopping, arranging prescription delivery, setting up a door camera so you can check in without calling every time, or taking over the gardening. Products can make a real difference too. Lightweight kettles, compression socks, non-slip mats and simple daily living aids can help your parent manage more independently for longer. A local taxi account or a volunteer driver scheme can open up a significant amount of freedom without requiring a family member for every trip.
If getting around is becoming harder, a GP can assess your parent's needs and refer them for the right mobility equipment, whether that is a walking stick, a frame or a rollator. This is worth raising at a routine appointment rather than waiting for a fall or a crisis.
As Phase 3 progresses, more structured support may become relevant: a cleaner for a few hours a week, someone to help with meals, a companionship service for regular contact. Home care agencies can cover a range of tasks and can be funded in different ways depending on your parent's financial situation.
Home adaptations
Grab rails, ramps, a stairlift or a walk-in shower can extend independence and reduce the risk of accidents at home. Funding is available for some adaptations. This is also the point at which a longer-term question may begin to surface: whether the current home still suits, and whether adapting it or moving altogether makes more sense.
Thinking about living arrangements
Whether your parent's home is still the right fit is a question that may begin to surface during Phase 3. A move closer to you, into a smaller or more manageable property, or into a setting with more built-in support, can change the picture considerably. It is generally easier to have this conversation while your parent still has the energy and capacity to be part of it.
Helping your parent stay active
A GP can assess any concerns and refer your parent for rehabilitation services, specialist physiotherapy or a local exercise programme. Staying active matters for confidence, independence and overall health, and the right support at this stage can help your parent maintain their wellbeing for longer.
Understanding what you are dealing with
Knowing what you are managing can make it easier to ask the right questions and notice the right things. The Carents condition guides cover many of the diagnoses most commonly encountered at this stage.
Thinking about capacity and legal matters
If a Lasting Power of Attorney is not yet in place, the urgency is growing. It can only be set up while your parent still has the capacity to sign it. If there are questions about your parent's mental capacity, there is a guide on what that means practically and what options exist.
Using the community
One of the most useful resources at this stage is other carents who have been here before you. The Carents Lounge is where people share what has actually worked: which door camera they chose, which volunteer driver scheme covers their area, which product made a real difference. You do not have to work all of this out alone.
Resources for where you are right now
Practical help
Health and conditions
- Medication Management Guide
- Falls PreventionReducing the risk and knowing what to do
- Dehydration in Older PeopleWhy it matters and the signs to look for
- DeliriumRecognising it and what to do
- Continence CarePractical guidance
- Dementia GuideIf memory is part of the picture
- Sight and Hearing guides
- Vaccines and immunisationsWhat your parent may be eligible for
Legal and financial
Mobility and daily life
Quality of life
The Carents Lounge
Whatever phase you are at, the Carents Lounge is there.
Did you find this information helpful? Let us know what you think or pass on some advice to other carents by emailing us at hello@thecarentsroom.com